[Adverb] No

I've lost interest in trying to do anything productive. Instead I've given myself over to watching this anime I found a while ago but have never found the time to actually watch. It's called Winter Cicada (Fuyu no Semi).

Lawlz. I slept for like...3 years.
And by that I mean I actually went to sleep.
It's a very strange occurrence for me, but I think I like it.
Sleeping is fabulous.
 I feel so refreshed!
Much like this ----------------------------------->
Only without the silly striped pajamas.
Because I'm so much cooler than that, y'heard?
Anyways, I haven't got too much planned for today. So I'm hopefully going to do some homework.
I know it's laughable to even suggest something so ludicrous, but I think I actually might get things done this time, even though my insatiable need to procrastinate usually wins all the time....I'm stupidly fighting the inevitable.
I'm stubborn.
<3

Is it still technically nostalgia if you're reflecting on recent memories?
Like. Let's say that you've recently been incredibly happy, and you're still glowing from the mere thought and memory: like time spent together, words exchanged, and just silly randomness.
That definitely still counts, I'm sure of it. And I'm certain it's not like some kind strange fondness for the recent past, it's more to do with hope for the future. Like. Hope that this silver bliss will continue. That it'll grow. That I'll stop being afraid. That I'll accept this happiness and not run from it because I'm too worried about being hurt, or that I'm concerned with not being independent or that I'll lose myself in the process of sharing my life with someone else. I've gotta stop dwelling on the possibility of not being able to accept that someone else could feel anything for me when I can't seem to feel anything for myself.
It's silly. To be thinking all of these things. But it's all I can think about right now.
I'm scared. And that's alright.
Because shared joy is double joy, shared sorrow is half a sorrow.
Totally worth it.

I am feeling slightly subdued at the moment. It's a rather strange feeling, but it's not unfamiliar. It's mostly inconvenient and a little sad. It's definitely not the end of the world though.
I've just got so much work to do and I've got so little time to do it all. So, of course, it makes sense that I would be writing and complaining instead of actually attempting to dent the mountain of things that I've got to do.
I'm just smart like that.

I'm feeling a bit confused. I'm being told one thing, and being made to feel a certain way, only to be told something completely different and to be made to feel something conflicting and in contrast to what I was feeling previously. So. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Well. I know. But it's slightly inconvenient at the moment since it requires certain circumstances to occur in a specific succession. By that I mean I just have to wait. I hate waiting. I'm patient. But I still dislike not being instantly gratified. Whatever. It's just a week. I should stop being so dramatic.
I'm tired. And I'm slowly drowning in work. I just want to sleep.

As all of you may know by now, I'm a terribly judgmental person. I tend to criticize everything and I'm seldom satisfied with the people around me. I've been thinking about why that is. I'd really like to know what makes me so completely opposed to everyone.
It could be that I have this notion of innate superiority , that maybe I'm just too amazing to even need to pay attention to anyone else who isn't my friend. It could be that I sympathize and empathize with people so easily that I tend to resent them for making me feel like I'm connected to them. It could be that everyone is just incredibly annoying and I have little tolerance for their antics. At any rate I can't get past this rampant animosity I have for the world.  
Granted, I'm not really like this with my friends. I'm still judgmental, but I'm not actively hateful towards them. I reserve that special cache of emotions for strangers and those that I've never properly met. For some reason, they just irk me until I can't even stand the sight of them. These feelings have gotten much better over the years as undesirables and strangers who I'll never accept as real people have become practically invisible. This is a good thing. It means I don't have to spend as much time as I used to actively hating those who weren't directly connected to me.
Maybe I'm just petty. Maybe I'm just jealous. Maybe I'm too neurotic and none of what I've said matters at all. Maybe I should just live with this unnecessarily harsh judgmental personality of mine and I should learn to apply it to practical means. Maybe I should just get over it and stop worrying becasue it really doesn't affect anyone other than myself.
If I were some kind of revolutionary, these feelings would be hella dangerous. Luckily enough, I'm not. 

I woke up today feeling rather gloomy.
I don't much appreciate Tuesdays.
There's not much reason for me to do so.
They're horrible, and drawn out, and I'm never happy when they're around.
I also have issues with 8:00 a.m.
As far as I'm concerned, they can both just go die in a fire.
On a much happier note, I'm almost certain that I'll get to nap a little today after my classes. That'll cheer me up. It always does.

This weekend was fabulous. I learned how to play three supafly-fantastic games. The first game I learned to play was called "Zombies!!!" It involves building a map/game board and trying to survive while fighting zombies and gathering supplies. The only way to win is by reaching the Helipad, wherever it may have been placed, and then fighting all of the zombies therein, OR, by killing 25 zombies. It's pretty amazing and there are a lot of ways to screw over your opponents, which is something that I look for in every game I play. You get cards throughout the game that you can either play on yourself or others so that you can either improve your standings or make it difficult for your opponents. You can also roll at the end of your turn and you can move that number of Zombies one space. This allows for a lot more strategy and deceit. I love it. This may be one of my new favorite games. I've, so far, only played with 3 others at a time, but I'm guessing that it'd be even more insane-crazy with 5. Hopefully I'll get another chance to see how it goes.
Another game I learned to play is called "Settlers of Catan" which also involves building your own game board. It's a game of harvesting resources and building settlements and resources. I seem to have a flair for predicting where the best starting settlements are since I won almost every game I played. I'd highly recommend this game, and if you already have it, I'd recommend investing in an expansion - it's definitely worth it. I don't think I've ever played another board game like it. It's just so much fun and it can both promote comradery and animosity. Awesome.

The last game I learned was "Magic." I'm not very good at it and I only won one game, albeit it was my first time playing and I won so it's slightly impressive. I don't think I have much skill for it though, but I'm willing to learn.
Apart from all of the rampant game-playing, I got to have some much needed alone time with my friends. Siren and I talked a lot. It was nice. She's pretty fab.
I didn't get all of my reading and writing done that I'd planned to do, but that's not too much of an inconvenience. I'll get things done eventually.

I'm reading for Christian Traditions right now. My class is in about an hour, and I'm totally not going to finish. So that's why I'm wasting what little time I have to update everyone on how I'm doing.
Well. I'm feeling pretty tired at the moment, but that usually fades away when I'm done with all of my classes. I'm listening to Garbage now. I haven't listened to them in forever. They used to be my favorite band my freshman year of high school. My favorite songs were Cherry Lips and Temptation Waits. I should start listening to them again when I have a chance. As of now I have about 1,000,005 new songs and albums to listen to and obsess over (thanks Pumpkin <3).  I'm really looking forward to the weekend. I've got so much more reading to do for my other classes and I figured I could start some of the papers that are due later in the semester. I think Surah and I were going to do our heresy paper, so that'll be cool. We'll get a chance to hang out and to get things done. Being productive is so much better with friends. But before this whole fabulous homework train starts going, I'm going to spend tonight watching a movie with my man (I haven't really told him yet that I wanted to watch a movie so he might disagree. Whatevz.) and hopefully running from Zombies with some friends. I think it'll be a pretty good night.
And now that I've said all that, I think I'm going to go finish my reading. I'll leave you with this fabulous picture of Sarah Palin.

I have this feeling that you all are going to grow tired of me posting music videos, but this one absolutely needed to be posted. It's perfect! It's a fabulous song by The Dresden Dolls and it has both Kelly and Margaret Cho. Who could ever ask for more?
Anyways. Here's the video. I hope you like it.



I promise it was worth it. <3

Btw, this is my new Desktop Background:

I'm pretty fantastic. That's not a lie. That's not arrogance. That's the truth. Even so, I have this crippling fear of being inadequate for one reason or another. I don't know why. I just think that I'm still trying to become what I imagine as the ideal version of myself. It's not like I have seriously ridiculous expectations or anything, I just have standards for how I think I should be and I don't think I'll ever be completely happy with myself until I am an embodiment of my beliefs and ideals.
This bereavement has left me with a slight inability to be properly confident. I can act confident, but it isn't entirely genuine and it sometimes comes off as arrogance or pretension. And more often than not, when it comes to getting something that I want that won't necessarily benefit anyone but myself, I tend to be too timid in my approach so I rarely ever obtain the things I want when direct intervention is mandatory.
This being said, I can manage to be direct and completely in control when attempting something to benefit someone else. I can tap into this self-assurance for the sake of others, but I can't bring myself to do the same when I need to benefit my own personal situations.
Isn't that fucked up?
It's also a bit ridiculous.
So. I've decided, as some kind of self-affirming action, that I'm going to be direct when I want something or when I can't get what I want by finessing the situation or when my subtleties fail to get the desired results.
I say this all like it's going to be easy or something. I know it's gonna be hella difficult to basically deny my nature by being up front about my intentions, but I think it'll be better for me to develop this new sense of self now rather than later.
Therefore, I'm going to start being more aggressive in my efforts to get the things I want. I don't want to be mean about it though, I just want to be more explicit rather than masking my motives and resolve.
I hope this works out the way I want it to.

So. As I've been saying, I'm listening to Cartel. A lot. And, I'm also listening to Opeth. A lot. And I'm listening to Atari Teenage Riot. A lot. (Thanks boo) If any of you know who any of these bands are, you'll realize that they're all incredibly different and none of them go together. At all. But. I don't care. I pretty much love all of these bands. Equally. Well. I tend to have preferences depending on my mood, but who doesn't, eh?
Presently, my favorite song just happens to be by Cartel. It's called 27 Steps. It's fabulous. Listen to it. Now.



I'm really not kidding. This song is amazing. It's a bit sad. But it's catchy as hell. I hope it makes you all as happy as it makes me. <3

I'm watching The Devil Wears Prada and I'm doing some homework for Analytical Chemistry. I'm also doing research for a paper due in my Christian Traditions class. I'm supposed to defend a past religious belief that was deemed heretical by one of the early church councils. I'm thinking about defending "Socianism," which was the belief that God's omniscience was limited to absolutes and not on contingent truths. That's to say that God only knew definite events that would happen in the future and at any time (I'm assuming this was merely focused on events outside of human control or interference i.e. weather and other such natural phenomena.) but he would have no knowledge of future events that were based purely on the decisions that people would or wouldn't make, as this would, in essence, remove free-will.
I don't know why I chose this topic. I think I just like the word.
It's pretty fancy.
That being said, here's a list of some of my favorite words:
Flippant*
Rodomontade*
Exorbitant
Petulant
Euphoria*
Elicit
Ascerbic
Rhapsody
Shrewd
Wretched
Nonchalant*
Salacious*
Serendipity*
I'm sure there are others. The ones with stars are especially fabulous.

So. There's this band. It's called Within Temptation. It's pretty much one of the most amazing bands I've ever heard. It's fronted by one of the most flawless women alive, Sharon den Adel. Not only is her voice absolutely perfect, but she's also flawless in appearance. She's so fierce!
Anyways. One of my favorite songs by Within Temptation is called "A Dangerous Mind." It's so. Wonderful. So. Here's a video of them performing the song live. If any of you have ever heard the recorded version (which you probably haven't, but I don't want to assume anything about any of you so don't get like, offended or anything...'cause I'll freakin' cut you...) you'll probably notice that her vocals sound exactly like the recording. That's because she's perfect.

She did actually mess up the timing a bit, but that's okay. It's her song, and she does what she wants. Besides, even when she messes up, she's still flawless.

So. These past two posts were sickeningly histrionic and gross.
I apologize for them.
I'm not normally like that.
In public. (^.^)
So.
I promise it'll never happen again.
To make up for this horrible offense, here's a picture of a kitty. <3

And so.
A decision has been made.
It's not a terrible development.
Well. It kind of is. But it's probably the best thing for the present. It's probably best for the future.
At any rate, it's what's happening.
And regardless of any lingering dejection, I'll deal.
It's not like everything's been changed. It's just that..well..everything's changed.
I can adapt.
I can exist in a different capacity.
I just refuse to throw away everything, or to forget what I've been through.
Nature exists as a duality of reciprocity. If one aspect of life is removed, so is its antithesis.
Without destruction, there can be no creation. Without death, there can be no life. Without cruelty, there can be no kindness.
This is fundamental.
This is universal.
This is what I believe.
This is the reason I can accept the possibility.
This is the reason I'm not completely wrecked.
Life is perfect in its imperfections and in its slights. It'd be boring otherwise.
So. Now. I'm changing reality to better suit my condition. I've invited solace over for some fondue and Chablis. I'm hoping it will suffice. If it doesn't, then I truly am too dramatic for my own good.
It's tough. It's wretched. It's upsetting.
It's not impossible.
I can do anything. I'm amazing. Everybody knows it. And even if somebody thought they could deny it, they wouldn't. Doing so is both illogical and foolish.
I know those words don't seem quite fitting. They make it seem like I'm unaffected. I'm not. I'm quite affected.
But it's not like there's nothing left. Things can't just disappear. They just change form. Adapting and accepting a new form is a compulsory part of life. It's the perfect solution. I'm flexible. I can deal.
It's not the same, anymore.
But it's not gone.
It's still here, only different.
I'm too smart to argue with perfection.
<3

So. Today has been interesting. That's never a good thing.
It started with this horrible ambivalence.
And it's now grown,
I'm not sure what it could mean.
I'd never even thought about it before, well, in this kind of serious and almost cavalier manner. I'd only ever had these thoughts before when I was being seriously emotional or crazy.
Apparently there's been this relevant strain and stress in my life that seems to be increasing in tension.
Tension that I'd previously not noticed.
And I don't know how to remove it without causing myself a lot of pain. Without denying myself a lot of joy.
I'm not sure if I'm the cause, or if this is merely an outside force that's decided to ruin me...
All I know is that I feel like I'm to blame. And I feel like I need to find a suitable solution.
I don't know if I can do that.
I don't know if I have any other options other than waiting this out, hoping that I'm strong enough to bear this pressure until it's alleviated.
I don't want to be unhappy.
And that's contingent on the happiness of those around me.
But if I'm the source of pain in their lives, the only way to make them happy is by removing myself.
In making them happy, I'm making myself miserable.
I'm usually pretty strong. I'm usually pretty selfless.
I doubt I have the strength to end things.
I personally think that what I have is worth fighting for and I'm not willing to give up on it.
But, if I'm the only one who feels that way, then there's not much else to be done.
I'll just see what happens, and I'll react.
I'm good at that.

So. Today is Imbolc. It's a Celtic celebration honoring the departure of Winter and the coming of Spring. It is also a time for cleansing and renewal. I'm going to be celebrating this glorious festival of light with Siren, Jamie, and Riley.
This will be the first time that the four of us celebrate this Sabbat together. I'm very excited.
Siren and I are going to be baking and setting up for the celebration. We've decided to make this a mostly Vegan event, so instead of offering up regular milk (as is tradition during Imbolc since the name comes from the word meaning "ewe's milk") we're going to offer Soy milk. And we'll be baking Vegan Apple Spice Cake. It's gonna be hella fabulous. I'm not sure if Jamie will like that too much, so she'll probably drink regular milk anyways. And well, Riley hates milk - even Soy milk. So. He might not be too thrilled with the idea behind this holiday, but he'll get over it.
I'm really anxious to see how our group functions during the ceremony. Siren and Jamie can be pretty intense. I'm a bit more moderate and calm, so I tend to balance them fairly well, but I'm not sure how Riley will blend. He's kind of intense in his own right, but it's different from the way Jamie and Siren exhibit their energy. He also tends to be a bit distracting to me - but in a good way, of course.
I'm not worried at all about how well things are going to go. It's all going to be perfect. We'll all have a fabulous time. And we'll remember the experience and smile. Well. I will. Because I'm insane and that's what I do in my spare time: reflect on my life and smile. I've got nothing better to do, ever.
Light and Love.

I found this hilarious picture earlier today. I nearly died with laughter. I hope you do too.

So. Occasionally, I read this Blog that was started by Jessica Valenti called Feministing. It's pretty fabulous. Jessica's fabulous. She came to speak at my school last year and she was absolutely brilliant.
Anyways, there was a mention on this Blog some time ago about this poet named Staceyann Chin. She's a true artist and wordsmith. She also has the most adorable accent.
Here's a video of her performing some spoken word:

As you can clearly see, she's got charisma for days.
She makes me a little weak in the knees, I'm not gonna lie.
You should check out some more of her poetry, I'd recommend this video to watch as well, since it's my favorite.