[Adverb] No

So. Today has been interesting. That's never a good thing.
It started with this horrible ambivalence.
And it's now grown,
I'm not sure what it could mean.
I'd never even thought about it before, well, in this kind of serious and almost cavalier manner. I'd only ever had these thoughts before when I was being seriously emotional or crazy.
Apparently there's been this relevant strain and stress in my life that seems to be increasing in tension.
Tension that I'd previously not noticed.
And I don't know how to remove it without causing myself a lot of pain. Without denying myself a lot of joy.
I'm not sure if I'm the cause, or if this is merely an outside force that's decided to ruin me...
All I know is that I feel like I'm to blame. And I feel like I need to find a suitable solution.
I don't know if I can do that.
I don't know if I have any other options other than waiting this out, hoping that I'm strong enough to bear this pressure until it's alleviated.
I don't want to be unhappy.
And that's contingent on the happiness of those around me.
But if I'm the source of pain in their lives, the only way to make them happy is by removing myself.
In making them happy, I'm making myself miserable.
I'm usually pretty strong. I'm usually pretty selfless.
I doubt I have the strength to end things.
I personally think that what I have is worth fighting for and I'm not willing to give up on it.
But, if I'm the only one who feels that way, then there's not much else to be done.
I'll just see what happens, and I'll react.
I'm good at that.