[Adverb] No

I'm pretty fantastic. That's not a lie. That's not arrogance. That's the truth. Even so, I have this crippling fear of being inadequate for one reason or another. I don't know why. I just think that I'm still trying to become what I imagine as the ideal version of myself. It's not like I have seriously ridiculous expectations or anything, I just have standards for how I think I should be and I don't think I'll ever be completely happy with myself until I am an embodiment of my beliefs and ideals.
This bereavement has left me with a slight inability to be properly confident. I can act confident, but it isn't entirely genuine and it sometimes comes off as arrogance or pretension. And more often than not, when it comes to getting something that I want that won't necessarily benefit anyone but myself, I tend to be too timid in my approach so I rarely ever obtain the things I want when direct intervention is mandatory.
This being said, I can manage to be direct and completely in control when attempting something to benefit someone else. I can tap into this self-assurance for the sake of others, but I can't bring myself to do the same when I need to benefit my own personal situations.
Isn't that fucked up?
It's also a bit ridiculous.
So. I've decided, as some kind of self-affirming action, that I'm going to be direct when I want something or when I can't get what I want by finessing the situation or when my subtleties fail to get the desired results.
I say this all like it's going to be easy or something. I know it's gonna be hella difficult to basically deny my nature by being up front about my intentions, but I think it'll be better for me to develop this new sense of self now rather than later.
Therefore, I'm going to start being more aggressive in my efforts to get the things I want. I don't want to be mean about it though, I just want to be more explicit rather than masking my motives and resolve.
I hope this works out the way I want it to.